I just typed the most insane post about the crazy dreams (belt sanders!) I have been having that surely would have earned me a straight jacket if I had sent it out into the world. As much as I would love to try and process them, I am feeling extremely grateful for the delete button.
So often when I am in this exhausted state, I could use a real delete button to back up time and make better choices of words and actions. I guess that in the world, the word sorry is as close to a delete button as we get.
Fortunately, for the canvas there is always more gesso and primer. I had been working on a canvas for a long while and just couldn’t pull it together… so out came the gesso today. A new beginning awaits the canvas I couldn’t even stand to have in my studio. I can feel my color palette shifting again.. the darkness of the season has me longing again for golds and leaning away from the blues. I need to warm up. It is like I can feel the warmth reach my toes as my eyes soak up the golden tones. I want to stand in the comfort light and not the long shadows that this time of year brings. My shadow that is so very long, dark and blurry, looking like the ghost of Christmas future from Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol, mocks me to try to do better, to be more grateful, to be present and mindful. Not always a bad thing, but I want to find that reminder in the light.
Since my shadow isn’t always there to jump out and scare the sense into me, I have an app on my phone called Lotus Bud. It rings randomly through out the day and asks that I take a minute to be mindful and grateful. I think I need to have one installed in every room in my house, so that we can all stop and remember to be and do our best. Why is it that we are the meanest to those who mean the most? We struggle with that here especially when we are all tired. We take for granted the foundation we are to one another. Yesterday, we all needed a bell to go off every 10 minutes. Our almost teenager’s eyes could not have rolled further back into his head, our 5 year old had glue and paper everywhere and wanted no part in cleaning up, my brown eyed boy was struggling to keep it together and my sweet husband wanted to surrender to the list of house projects that grows faster than the weeds in my garden and I wanted to get on a plane to a hot beach in Mexico… alone and not be the constant referee, who was making bad calls by the way!
But as the afternoon and evening unfolded, homework slowly was done… well this time, a proud kindergardener showed off his latest creation, my brown eyed boy was able to ask and receive the love and support he so needed instead of an all out meltdown, my husband got a fun time out at a neighborhood football party and I went to bed early to confront my strange dreams. They didn’t get much better, but tonight I plan to close my eyes and dream in golden colors, ready to start again on a canvas that has some layers of learning already on it.