Sunrise Remembering Baryshnikov

September sunrise


My ears are ringing. It is so unbelievably quiet.

It is a beautiful Sunday morning. I just came in from watching the sunrise with a quarter moon still over head. No one was out walking, the birds were still asleep, and there wasn’t even the slightest breeze to make the Aspen leaves quake.The light was soft and warm at the horizon with that cool turquoise above that says that fall is here.  Inside, I can hear the clock ticking which just seems ridiculous. I notice the difference in the sound that my sweatshirt makes vs. the material of my socks. It is surreal. No dishwasher, washing machine or dryer running. Like most homes full of children and dogs, this house buzzes with activity until we collapse into bed at night.

Chris is always up at the very first glimpse of light outside. Today he is up in Wyoming fishing the Green River,  so it was me who popped out of bed early to let the dogs out. Somehow, they even know it is Sunday and have gone back to bed, where I normally am. I have always wanted to be a morning person, but…. well…after 40 years… it’s still not looking hopeful.

It is nice though to sit in the quiet space of Chris. Where he starts his day with his coffee, listening to the world wake up. I can see why he loves it so much.

Yaaaawwwwwn!!!! Perhaps I should make some tea.

Sitting in his space, I feel that I can hear his heart beat instead of my own. It is strong and centered. It is steady and calm. And it doesn’t match the quick beat of my own. I try to breath in all the way to my toes to slow it down.

POP! (fortunately not my heart, but a great memory!)

I am back in Minnesota anxiously waiting for one of the great moments of my life. The lights dim and then on stage he appears wearing red pants and a wireless heart monitor. There stood Baryshnikov!

boom, boom, boom we can hear his heart at a steady resting pace.

I am so frustrated and caught off guard as my eyes well up with tears so he was blurry for a minute.  The anticipation of getting to see him dance in person was immense.  My own heart racing. I felt like a silly school girl, until he began to dance and I realized that it was so justified to see such incredible strength, grace and expression. He was stunning. He literally danced to the beat of his own heart  which he slowed and quickened with his movements. (read more about HeartBeat: mb, here) He was powerful, beautiful and inspiring.

He was in control of every muscle in his body, moving in perfect harmony. And strangely, there was something about him that reminded me of Chris. It made no sense to me at the time and I kinda shrugged, chuckled to myself and then soaked up the rest of his performance and the rest of the show. I was so grateful that I had gotten to see Baryshnikov dance in person. Huge bucket list experience!

After the performance I couldn’t stop rambling on and on…. and on and on. And then my friend, Lori said that something about him reminded her of Chris. I couldn’t believe it. I told her too that I had thought the same and confessed I kinda giggled.  We couldn’t pin point what it was, but there was some essence that we had both picked up on. It felt kinda crazy… and cool!

Sitting here now in Chris’s space and remembering back all of those years ago, the connection of grace, strength and control makes sense to me. Baryshnikov was dancing to his heart beat; his pure essence. Chris lives that way.

He is intentional, strong and even graceful in his being. And, I can’t believe I get to dance to life along side of him.

The birds are now all chirping and awake, a train whistle blows, neighbors are walking their dogs and a few cars make their way up the hill and out of the neighborhood. I am going to go make that tea and sit a little longer until the house starts buzzing again wondering what thought will pop up next and recognizing that this time is also a great moment of my life.

Beginning Again.

Welcome to the new home for my blog… on my very own website!!! (I still have some work to do.. but it is close!)

I can’t believe it!

And, I can’t believe that this is my 50th blog post. I have missed this outlet; this place to pause, reflect and connect.

Where to begin again?

I am sure I have had at least 50 thoughts for a blogs posts since the last one.

At least 50 chores and projects I should be doing instead.

At the very least 50 reasons to be grateful we have a warm, dry house after the rains and floods in CO two weeks ago.

And, at least 50 people to thank who have helped get me to today.

Gratitude thread in my studio.
One of many gratitude threads in my studio.

In my art room, I hung some red threads above my desk and on them I put names of the people who have supported me, inspired me, pushed me, taught me, loved me, reached out to me, encouraged me, rallied with me, brainstormed with me, been honest with me, opened doors for me, laughed with me and gave me a big kick on the backside of my jeans when I needed it (you know who you are!).  I am so humbled by the amount of energy, time, and love that people have showed me to help me grow this year. This time last year, I was painting the exterior of our house bright yellow. (Confession time…the back still needs to be done. Eventually!) But, I remember as I worked on it last year, imagining a life.. no dreaming of a life where I was constantly creating and moving forward. At the time, I felt stuck and couldn’t see to the next week. And, I learned that  I was the only one standing in my own way… thanks Chris! Seriously, thank you for holding up the mirror! Never would I have imagined that I would have come this far with so far to go!  I have sold paintings here and across the country, have a show next April at Gallery Bleu, am working on a collaborative show in Colorado Springs, now have a website (with an online store no less!), am back doing some decorative finishes, just did a fun mural in a hay-barn, will be a part of an Artisan Fair next weekend… it’s crazy!!! I must say the crowning jewel is when my husband, who is the cornerstone of my life and gives so much to let me follow this dream, introduced me as an artist. It’s a title I am still not comfortable with, but it is growing on me.

So thank you!! I couldn’t have gotten to this point alone. Far from it! And, I am so grateful for  the tremendous support of family and friends, the Evolve class through AIR here in Fort Collins, and the amazing people I have met along the way. All of you, who are a part of my red thread tapestry that feels like a big comfy blanket, are helping me create this life that makes me feel like I am beginning again. And for that, I can’t thank you enough.