Cat-D-wampus Blog

That flashing cursor… where to begin?

I haven’t been here in a long while. I’ve missed sitting down and doing this kind of meditation, stream-of-conscious writing. I’ve missed it, but the reason I am here now is to finish a love letter to my son.  The beginning of my “love letter” is this painting… Waterfall Meditation.

A few months ago after what I thought was rock bottom for him and me as his mother, we began therapy to get to a place of peace and calm where we could begin to function again. At the end of the first session, we were told to imagine that a big, beautiful wide, powerful waterfall of energy was washing down and through us clearing away anxiety, worry, anger, frustration, sadness, etc and filling that space with calm possibility and space to just breath.  The guided meditation made us both feel so much better and we left feeling hopeful. And now on occasion, we will just say waterfall when we think they other needs it.

As life goes, especially with teenagers who are itching for freedom, voice, validation, I was wrong. We hit bottom (or so I hope it was) about a month ago. Fortunately for both of us, we have a big loving extended family, who was able to reach out and hold us in a safe place for awhile. I then traveled back to Yelapa for some much-needed soul-searching, as it is a place where my head and heart seem to communicate well with one another. It was hard to stay in that raw, acid churning uncomfortable space in that raw, beautiful, layered place.

As soon as I dropped my bag at my friend’s house, I headed for my favorite rock on “the point.”  I climbed up and over others to get to my spot, and once finally settled, I got lost in the sound of the waves crashing, tiny crab and snails crawling over giant boulders, looked for shells and sea glass wedged in the crevices just beyond my feet.  Behind me, there was the chatter of men working and tools running in order to restore and expand a palapa just up a bit.  It felt like the perfect metaphor of the construction and restoration in my own mind and heart that I so needed/need to do.

Waves crash,

saws spin,

tears form,

I thought of a quote on peace…..

“Peace does not mean being in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and remaining calm in your heart.”

If I could just calm my heart.

Other life crap was flung my way, but I honestly had no patience or wherewithal for any of it. It offered a good picture of my priorities and helped me create some much-needed boundaries. It was so clear on the who, what and why of where my time/energy/love/patience/creativity should be….. the how, well… damn, I’m trying to figure that out.

A few days later, I hiked up into the jungle along the river to the waterfall. When I arrived, my heart panged for my family who splashed, laughed and played there two years before. I sat on another favorite rock and sketched and painted a bit while watching locals and tourists alike take in the wonder of this magical place. The water was soooooo cold, but I decided to go stand under that waterfall best I could and let all those feelings that were consuming me just wash away, down the river and out into Yelapa’s ocean cove. I thought of Alex and how overwhelmingly I love him. He must feel like he is drowning sometimes.  My bones ached in the ice water and I made myself stand there a bit longer before I went back to the comfort of my rock in the sun. He has to stand in the cold water right now while he figures out his priorities, his principles, his motivations, his goals, his future, what he is made of and who is growing to be. I can’t do that for him… I can’t stand in that uncomfortable place for him. I can give him loving boundaries, reasonable expectations, try to show him how much we believe in him, big hugs, and maybe some guidance, but he has to do the work. He has to show up to his life, do the work and love himself.

I think I forgot to breathe while I stood there. I returned to my rock and wondered if I could let go.

On my last full day in Yelapa, I headed back out to the point for some closure and a few final sketches. All of a sudden I heard the whales spouting! I couldn’t believe it! Of course there were three of them (I have three sons) and my heart sang and ached to be home with my boys. I watched them flap flippers, tales dive and water spout. It was a beautiful gift and awareness.

Back in the reality of life—

this confusing, complicated, wonderful,  maddening, inspiring, frustrating, full, beautiful life of mine, I’m not so good at letting go…..

At keeping it simple.

At loving plainly.

At standing still.

Painting helps me to do that. I’ve been working on this painting off and on for weeks as a way to find that place of peace. I am going to go pick up Alex in a little over an hour and I’m going to give it to him with the hopes he knows it was created with a tremendous love for him and the belief that I know he can create with that big heart, creative brain, and bright spirit a voice that speaks to the world in a beautiful way and hopefully he will be able to hear his own true, authentic voice when standing under a waterfall.

Alex, I love you. Always, Mama

Last fall while at my booth at the French Nest, the most beautiful couple came to see me. It had been a slow day and I sat with my sister and pondered was it worth it for me to be there.

What was I doing?

Was I kidding myself? Artist?   blah… blah… blah… YUCK!

A month earlier a local magazine, Style, did a write up on how and why my work incorporates the legend of the Red Thread. I was honored and uncomfortable but as it turned out it brought me two of my most favorite and pivotal moments. The first being that day last fall and again today.

As we sat at the booth that afternoon, in walked Patsy and Jerry along with Patsy’s caretaker all arm in arm. Jerry carefully let go and introduced the three of them and told me that they had come to meet me.  Me? I couldn’t imagine why. I was completely taken aback.

They had read the article and learned about the red thread of fate and wanted to come tell me how much it meant to them. Patsy has late stage Parkinsons and the red thread gave them something to hold onto. Patsy talked of her children with the brightest eyes and an infectious smile. Her body is shaking and her neck is twisted so her head rests on her shoulder, but her spirit outshines her disabilities. She radiates strength, love and grace.

She and her caretaker excuse themselves for a break and I got to visit with Jerry for awhile. He is honest about their situation, he shares their story of their family, and he is obviously so moved and grateful for the legend; it is all I can do to hold it together. He is so warm and lovely. He adores his wife, respects her above all and seems to be full of nothing but love and gratitude. I bask in his light. Around his neck is a red thread with a peace symbol on it that Patsy had given him before they learned of the legend. She now calls him her Shanti man. It’s a perfect name.

Pasty and her caretaker return and she picks out a necklace and a board that says JOY, reminding her of one of her daughters. We talk and share some more about the magic of the legend, my art and their story. Before they leave, we have huge group hug right there in the middle of the market. I didn’t want to let go of these special and incredible souls. By the time we say our goodbyes we are all in tears and grateful that the red thread has once again worked its magic and brought us to this moment. They left and I burst into tears of gratitude.

What it took them to come see me!

What a gift of love they brought!

How could I ever doubt that the red thread path that I am on would ever let me down? What a fool I had been to question it.

I smiled and cried some more and my sister smiled and listened to me as I tried to process how overwhelmed I was by their visit to see me. It was a moment that I will always cherish. They gave me a gift from their heart.

Today, six months later I was painting in my studio and my phone rang. I decided to ignore it as I was really in the flow and enjoying being back at work on a canvas after a few weeks. When I got to a good stopping point, I listened to my voicemail and it was a message from Jerry. I couldn’t believe it. I was so happy to hear his voice. He went on to explain that Patsy had taken a turn for the worse in the past few weeks and was now at Pathways Hospice. He told me that one of her requests was that I come see her. Completely overwhelmed with honor, I hung up the phone and wept.

I talked with him a bit later and he asked if I would come this afternoon at 4. I showered to remove the paint off my face and arms (I’m a terribly messy painter!) I put on my red thread necklace with the Courage pendant on it and asked the universe for strength and presence. I arrived at Patsy’s room and was greeted by her brother, son and sweet Jerry. I reached to hold her hand and around her wrist was a red ribbon tied just as I have one on mine. And, around her neck and she was wearing my necklace. She was hard to understand as it took all of her strength to talk. Jerry held her other hand and helped me to understand her lovely words. We talked about the magic of the red thread and how hers would continue on after she died. She and Jerry shared a moment of how special they are to one another and to bare witness to that raw love was indescribable. I told her how I love her radiant smile and bright eyes and have never felt more honored to be in a moment such as that. She asked if I had been a part of a death experience like this. I told her no and how grateful I was to be there to tell her how much her visit meant to me last fall and to see her again. She had given me a wonderful gift of love again.

She tired and asked if we could just listen.

She asked for 4 minutes.

So hands held we listened.  It was the most spiritual moment of my life. Such clarity, truth and love I heard in those quiet minutes.

Jerry held her left hand and I her right. She closed her eyes and her breathing steadied. I could feel her pulse in her hand beating against mine. I thought of our literal red threads.. our veins all pulsing together. Life. I felt like I could feel Jerry’s pulse too… traveling up Patsy’s left arm across her big, beautiful heart and down her right arm to my hand. It was amazing to feel so completely connected to this incredible couple who I had only met once before. They are willing to open up and share their love, their sorrow, their gratitude, their pain and enrich the lives of those around them. I am ever grateful that I am one of them.

We talked a bit more, kissed hands and said goodbyes. As heartbreaking as it was, I felt such a tremendous amount of peace. I hope I will get to see Patsy again and if I don’t I will be sure to continue her red thread by sharing her story and honoring her beautiful spirit. And now, she knows it.

I know I will see Jerry again. I think a wonderful friendship is in the works.

The pathway of the red thread will never be doubted again.

I’ve been wanting to come here and write for weeks and I just couldn’t do it.

It seems that is it is out in the open now, that my niece, Ashleigh, has stage 3 brain cancer. She is all I think about these days. She and her new husband, Brekan and her core family, Cassie (my sister) Bob and Robert.

My family all sleeps, healthy and sound.  I wish I could be more like my wise niece… brave, confident, positive and strong. She is all of these things while balancing a grace of the present and the importance of relationships as a sister, daughter, friend and now wife.  She is the definition of awe. She is the definition of love. She is the definition of grace. She is the definition of FUN!! ( I have never danced so much as I did at her wedding!!)

Tomorrow, she will be admitted to the hospital at UVA and I am glad she will be there. It sounds like she is in the best possible hands. So… tomorrow… she goes in for pre-op and her surgery is on Tuesday. I read her blog on her caring bridge site and she confidently writes with her faith, trust in the doctors and the endless love she gets from her new groom and family. It takes my breathe away. What she will have to go through to get rid of this cancer is unimaginable… doable, because she is Ashleigh.. but unimaginable. I wish I could take the pain for her. It is not what a 28 year old should be doing. But she handles it with more grace and determination than I can comprehend.

Is it the result of unconditional love of her parents and brother?

How she was born?

The love of her life lifting her to new heights?

I think it must be the tapestry of all three. She is truly amazing.

At her wedding a month ago, I sat there with all of my sisters and their spouses. Chris stayed home in Colorado with our three boys and I never missed him more. I watched my oldest sister, Cassie, the mother of Ashleigh, be escorted down the aisle and then wait for her husband to walk her daughter down to marry Brekan. I all but lost it. My Dad, a row behind Cassie, stood with his phone taking picture after picture of his first born, while she watched her first born walk down the aisle to be married.  I watched as my Dad zoomed in on my sister’s profile. It was essence of what it means to be a parent as you watch your child have a milestone moment. It was love. Pure love and awe.

pause…

It’s too much!!

My step mom has fought Multiple Myeloma for 12 years. My step sister, Chrissy, is battling stage 4 breast cancer…. and now my niece… it’s hard to catch my breath.

It’s hard to stay positive. It’s hard to not be angry. It’s hard to sit on the sidelines completely helpless. It’s hard to not feel guilty. It’s hard to let a minute slide by that isn’t  “all it can be”.   

And, I am fully aware that it’s not one ounce as hard to walk in my shoes as theirs. They are all so strong and inspiring!! I can’t begin to imagine. 

I sat in that church with my sisters by my side and my parent’s in front of me. It was a huge moment. We were all together for the first time in 10 years.

Ashleigh was radiant and so in love with her groom; one couldn’t help but smile.
The minister did such a great job of making the day about love. He had us all chanting #lovewins!  It was magical and I knew that was the phrase that would carry us all through. It was the phrase that would/will carry Ashleigh through her brain surgery, radiation and chemo, as well as her marriage that was starting off with the most tremendous love and challenge. #LOVEWINS

(in all honesty, right now, snot and tears are flying all over my keyboard……ugh)

There really aren’t the words to express….

I don’t want to be a downer. All of these amazing women have learned to embrace the best, to live with all that comes with cancer and make each day count. All of these woman have faced the scariest and most vulnerable. All of these woman love with laughter and zest!

This weekend as I sat on the streets of Fort Collins painting for Streetmosphere, I was lucky to meet so many wonderful people. Streetmosphere was something I challenged myself to do and expected to hate it. The opposite has been the case. I love it. I love connecting with the variety of people who stop to chat. The lesson here is to share your love. Share your love for what you love to do and ask them what it is they love to do.  Share you love by listening to the homeless person who shares his/her story and stop to look them in the eye. Share you love with the curious children, who stop their parents to ask questions and treat those questions as if they were the best questions ever asked. Share your love with the woman who thanks you for making something beautiful in a world that is hard, cruel, random and yes, stunning. Share your love with all around you because it is true…#lovewins .

I have the greatest of hope in Ashleigh. She is a beacon of light. She is strong. She is wise beyond her years and she, as my sons’ cousin is the greatest example of a life well lived. So, please on Tuesday go out and do something you LOVE! Share a photo to #kickash or in the comments here,  so she can see and gain strength in healing in your love of life. Please send love and light to her in Charlottesville this week. Please take the time to tell those you love that #LOVEWINS and that all relationships are important. Please know I am ever grateful to have this platform to write and connect. We can all make a difference. Ashleigh is showing us that.

I have a magical friend who makes life sweeter with her creativity. My friend, Joy adds her loving touch to the world around her every chance she gets. Sometimes, our neighborhood will be sprinkled with plastic pink flamingos or one of her painted rocks will show up on your doorstep.  She and her husband have the best party games, throw sweet, simple, loving birthday parties for their boys, find me massive heart rocks, show up with fresh herbs on sumer solstice, and share their love in the most genuine of ways. Last week though, might have been my favorite JOYful surprise. She and her family have chickens and give away all of their eggs since they are vegan. So every now and then she will show up with a dozen eggs for our family and refuse to take any money. Sometimes, I can be sneaky enough though. This past time, we thanked her for the eggs and stuck them in the fridge to use once we finished up our others.  Didn’t think anything more. By now, I should know better.

A few days later, Chachi asked for eggs for breakfast and when I opened the carton, there was the best of Joy waiting to bring happiness. Inside the lid, read SUPER POWER EGGS!  On each egg she had written what that particular egg’s “superpower” was if you were to be the lucky one to eat it.  There was Soccer genius, Funny, Intuitive, Magical, Weird, Peaceful, Strange bodily smells (she too is the mother of 3 boys… she gets it!), Delighted etc..

Chachi had so much fun picking out his two eggs for his breakfast. Joy had spread her love and magic again and got our day off to a wonderful start.

She reminds me that it doesn’t take a whole lot of time or money to have a huge impact on someone’s day. With her sharpie and a dozen words she brought love, laughter and happiness into our house in an instant.

What JOY will you spread today?

I’d love to hear what you do! Share your joy.. it’s contagious!