Yesterday morning, I went down to my studio to paint for just me. Not for the artisan fair, not for the CF Gala coming up (though I should be and it is fun), and not for the show next spring. I wanted to get back to that place on the canvas where I could find my center. I haven’t been feeling well lately. Like most of us, I am worn down and at times feel like I could shatter like glass. Dealing with craziness and frustration of thyroid and adrenal disfunction is maddening and even though I know self care is necessary, I haven’t been good about it on so many levels… that is a long, internal and boring battle.
So while, still in my pajamas, I turned on some favorite music; Bach’s organ works. I chose my color palette to find some peace in the now. A smokey lilac and a gray blue to start. I wanted to get back to my skies. I have missed them. Slowly, I tuned out my responsibility as a mother, wife, friend, homeowner, sister, daughter, dog-owner, hostess, community member, “taxi” driver, gardener and eventually got lost in the music and paints. Almost as if in a panic to get rid of that white canvas, my strokes started out frantic began to become more sedate and so did I. And sure enough, there came my water that I crave and miss. I still can’t believe I am so landlocked. I am so grateful to have beautiful Long’s Pond up the road, but I miss the ocean. Someone once said to me “you artists are always doing the same thing over and over.” Yes and no…at times it is true. For me, it is a form of meditation when I paint in this mode. Back and forth across the canvas, numb in color. I could feel myself floating over gentle waves, soaking up the blue.. not quite sure where the sky ended and the water began… a faint horizon line. I wanted it blurred so I could feel the expanse of time and space. My heart rate steadied, the music floated through my blood stream and my breath calmed. This is why I paint. It heals me. It takes me to places I can’t physically get to and allows me to escape to a peaceful place within myself making me feel healthy, stable and whole. I can float and find footing at the same time in those healing waters I create and then I am ready to challenge myself again.