Every now and then, everyone “hits the wall”.
Last night I hit it full force and felt like the flattened Tom from Tom & Jerry whose 2 dimensional self melts down the stairs into a puddle on the floor. If only we popped right back up into our energetic 3 dimensional selves ready to chase the mouse. Except I am so tired of chasing the damn mouse. I attempted to keep going but then Chris walked in, my guard fell and I melted onto the sofa. He took over and I was so grateful to just close my eyes for a bit. Within the hour I spiked a pretty good fever and chills. By the next hour, I had convinced myself that I had cancer of some sort or another or an autoimmune disease. My mind is a scary place. I’ll be first to admit.
I finally gave up, read Chachi a few chapters, took a hot bath and crawled into bed before it was completely dark outside.
Today, I feel better, but not great and I am trying to tell myself that it is okay to let go, say no and not feel guilty. Is it guilt or having to face that fact that THE (overwhelming) LIST will only get longer and drown me a bit more. It’s both. Where does this come from? It’s a bit insane and all perspective is lost. Completely hidden. I’ve had several slaps of perspective over my life and yet, here I am doing the same cat chase mouse routine. I am afraid I’ll never learn.
Then serendipity came into play and I got this from author Seth Godin’s daily emails.
If you believe that you must keep your promises, over-deliver and treat every commitment as though it’s an opportunity for a transformation, the only way you can do this is to turn down most opportunities.
No I can’t meet with you, no I can’t sell it to you at this price, no I can’t do this job justice, no I can’t come to your party, no I can’t help you. I’m sorry, but no, I can’t. Not if I want to do the very things that people value my work for.
No is the foundation that we can build our yes on.- Seth Godin
I think I need to paint this on the wall in every room in my house. There are so many yes foundations that I want to build on or go back and repair with some mortar and remodel. Things and people that have been overlooked, pushed aside and done in the 11th hour all for the sake of chasing the stupid mouse. And I KNOW in my heart and mind that all over the world people are dealing with really hard things; next to impossible things. I know it, and yet I still react to the mouse. Why? It’s not cohesive in my brain. The thoughts in my brain and my actions don’t match. That is a problem and why the mouse keeps dropping a cinder-block on my head. I am not paying attention and don’t even see it coming because I am too busy reacting.
So today, I am going to try to learn to live in peace with that mouse (aka THE LIST and my spinning brain) in my house. I hope I can shake my Tom personality a bit and be less reactionary to every thought, “obligation” or interaction.
I might go call a friend I haven’t talked to in some time while I prep some canvases…. you’ve been warned if your phone rings, HA! I might take a cat-nap (sorry, couldn’t resist.. I am my father’s daughter) later today and I might just sit and stare at the Aspen leaves shaking in the wind and do nothing. Perhaps, we just take in so much. The problems of the world are so overwhelming, perhaps reacting like a TomCat is all we have left in us when it feels like we are helpless. I don’t know… or will ever pretend to know. I am off to paint to try to find some peace and make something beautiful. And maybe, I’ll eat some ice cream, too.
Perhaps then, I will pop back into my three dimensional self and not feel so flat.