For those of me who know me, I am often not lacking in words. They tend to fly out of my mouth before I can think them through and without a filter. For me, saying them out loud, is a way to test their substance. Sometimes they hold and stick and other times they fall flat. I am sure my family and friends would appreciate it very much if I could do this quietly in my head. It would save me a lot of embarrassment as well. I tend to babble when I am nervous.. just as I am doing now.
I am nervous because I can’t find the words to express one of the saddest experiences yet in the strangest ways beautiful moments of my life. I have been processing this night in my head for almost 4 months now. My sister, who I so gratefully share an unbelievable bond with, lost her baby mid-term. It may be hard to believe this next statement, but I was fortunate to be with her when she delivered her still-born daughter. My niece was perfect. It was gut wrenching, heart breaking and left us all with so many unanswered questions, difficult questions. Some that will never be answered and as time goes by, I am learning to embrace that and be okay with it. I have spent the last few weeks going back and forth to this canvas. It started as a landscape and then I saw my sister’s face and it became a portrait. I guess I needed to process in the way that is most familiar to me. It helped. It helped me find some silver linings in such a horrible time. It helped me celebrate my sister. It helped me to let go of baby Elise. I am so grateful to have the paints to turn to when my heart hurts and my brain is overwhelmed. It is good to let them speak for me, as they are better than my words.