Insomnia 3- Stars…. home again.

Yesterday I “took the day off.” It was great. I managed to talk myself into not feeling guilty for not getting much of anything accomplished (but that in itself is a big accomplishment).

 I wandered around the yard, read a bit, did a few loads of laundry (which is now a heaping mountain on my dining room table waiting for me), played on some canvases in the studio, took TWO naps, watched a movie, took a bath,  meandered to the grocery store for Chris (and bought myself a chocolate bar of which I ate half on the way home and then tucked the other half in my desk….. shhhh.. don’t tell the boys), sent some emails, watched a Ted talk, flipped through a magazine and called it a day. A much needed day off. I should do this every Sunday.

On Saturday, Chris put a new window in our bedroom above our bed where there had just been a wall.

Chris working to frame in the space for the new window!

The light that now pours in is wonderful… hence the naps. Our bed, now bathed in that glorious sunlight was just so inviting. I couldn’t resist. So Zander and I had a good snuggle. After my multiple naps it was no surprise that I wouldn’t be able to sleep well last night. But what startled me is that I woke suddenly from a dream that was more of a memory/snapshot of hiding places from my childhood.  The sacred crevices of the farmhouse were so clear in my mind and heart. I could see every detail from those spaces that I would tuck away during a game of hide and seek. These games went on for what seemed like hours. I loved it. It gave me a time out to just sit and be quiet and not have to do a thing. One of my favorite spots was under an overhang where my Old English Sheepdog would sleep. She had made a little den and I would crawl in behind her and lay in the cool dirt with her. A feeling of knowing exactly who I am hit me. I need to listen to that young girl more often. She was confident, strong, clever and spent a lot more time alone. I need these time outs. I felt so grateful for remembering. A feeling of home washed over me and it didn’t have to do with a place. It was myself.

Now wide awake, I looked above my head and out the new window. I could see stars! The last time I had a window that I could watch the stars from my bed was in that same farmhouse. I have been an insomniac my whole life. So when I couldn’t sleep and it was a clear night, I would watch the stars. I can’t believe that I get this gift again. I have missed this space and how I feel in it. I feel home again.

* A good friend of mine recently told me when she feels overwhelmed she looks at the stars to get perspective and centered again. She is right. I had forgotten what a comfort they are at 3 am.

4 Replies to “Insomnia 3- Stars…. home again.”

  1. Cat, your “day off” seems like you got a lot accomplished…I’m wondering what a “day on” must be like, wow! A good friend of mine says that we should always end every day by taking some time for ourselves quietly being outside…it helps center us with the universe. Your post reminded me of this, thanks! See you tonight!

  2. When I was a young girl I spent hours in the woods that surrounded our house – many of those hours were spent sitting on a boulder which I remember as “huge” but when I visited my childhood home a few years ago, was startled to see how small it was :-). A few years ago I had an aha moment like you describe, where I was able to remember who I am. I cherish my alone time, and need to get out in nature to reconnect more often!

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